The Single Issue: A Thread about Microaggressions

I have a lot of friends and family who are single, many of them women. Sure, they might always or sometimes wish they had a good partner, but all of them are able to be happy, confident, and lead fulfilling lives as singles.

There's a stigma to being single in many circles, including or especially in Christian ones. Don't let ignorance or ignorant words destroy your capacity to enjoy yourself and your solitude!

These are some microaggressions that single women often endure.

After you've had a read, I'd love to hear from you about microaggressions you've faced so we can face them head on, together.

1. Being asked why she is single?

You wouldn’t ask someone why they were married so don’t ask single women why they’re single. It requires no justification. It requires no deeper understanding. Each person's circumstance impacts why they may/may not want to be in a relationship

2. Assuming a women’s singleness is of her personality

Women who are strong, independent or focused their careers or hobbies are often blamed for their single relationship status. They're expected to ignore those ambitions or interests in order to actively seek relationships.

Dear @aliciakeys, howdy?

I saw the Open Letter you & some fellows wrote, addressing President Buhari.

The letter was not only rude in tone & condensending, it lacked evidence, verbose & irrational.

How you didn't know the joke was on you guys is what I would need to think on.

You people DELIBERATELY refused to make reference to the very many videos online showing CLEARLY that NOBODY died at Lekki Toll Plaza on October 20, 2020! What a laugh!

You folks kept saying stuff flying in the air WITHOUT EVIDENCE! Who does that? Who?

Wait, you think you were addressing kids in a nursery school in that laughable letter? 🤣

You even have the audacity to copy other African leaders who have seen through your foolery a long time ago.

No respect whatsoever sha!

I expected that in that finely put together trash of a letter, you would list out the names of the "protesters" that were killed in Lagos or elsewhere in Nigeria, like you did during your Black lives matter protests in the US.

Instead, 53 of you were just frothing in the mouth.

Young Professional?

If you don’t have a year plan yet, come let’s look at:

'20 Practical Ways To Improve Oneself in 2021'.

First, thanks for being a part of 2020.

To those who continue to take self development and self improvement a personal goal, 2021 will be a better year. 🙏🏾

Remain consistent, persevere and never let go of your hopes and aspirations.

1. SELF REFLECTION

1st thing you want to do really is reflect.

This is very important as it lays down the foundation for any step you are willing to take regarding your career or self development.

It helps you understand:

- Where you are coming from.
- Where you want to be.

Self reflection speaks the truth to you without sugar coating it.

While working in Mushin back then, I asked myself a lot of questions.

- What is the end goal of this path?
- Am I maximizing my full potential and capacity as a person?

2. OUTLINE YOUR GOALS

Once you've reflected on what you really want and where you want to be, it is time to turn your intentions into clearly defined goals.

Always remember that having goals without having a plan in black and white is still a dream.

Outline you goals clearly.

You know, one of the things I've been thinking about during this time of unimaginable grief has been bereavement leave, and how the little time given for grief points to the marginal space human life is given in the world we live in.

I've commented before that so much of the positive thinking or mindfulness seems to be part of a culture that not only personalizes so much struggle but creates this absurd place where your world could be falling apart yet you're encouraged to continuing performing as if it's not

So you have this really absurd existence where it's seen as embarrassing to speak or openly experience the natural and conditioned tragedies of the world, big and small. You lose somebody and after a while, people see it as a drag that you're still sad or not working again.

There's so many cliches around the "get on with it" attitude that sells it as the idea of strength and maturity, when it's really just one of productivity and avoiding making people uncomfortable. I sometimes think kids have it right when they cry openly when they're in pain.

Anyway, I was thinking about how a world can deal with the collective grief of this pandemic. So many lives have been lost, and lives are never singular. For each person, there's connected lives who will be changed forever by the loss. And even worse, the cruel nature of it.

1/Joe (not real name) is a Beninoise young man who has been my family plumber for over 8 yrs. Very effective, competent, friendly & trustworthy, he graduated from petty kitchen sink fixes in our rented apartment to being the only artisan we did not collect a comparative quote for

2/ He has helped with full house plumbing works for 2 projects in the past 6 years, both costing millions in material and labour. But the more important part is, we introduced him to a big man brother, a bank executive, about 5 yrs ago and he has been their own family plumber too

3/ He has helped the brother to do the plumbing jobs in all the projects he has done since then. Impressed with his work (and character), this VI based brother has also introduced him to his friend/neighbour, another bank executive (husband CEO of a bank, wife ED of another bank)

4/ He has been their go to guy for all water issues in their houses. The last thing I saw on his Whatsapp status was video of him fixing the water system of the swimming pool in the palatial home of these execs.

5/ We that introduced him are probably the smallest fry in his portfolio now. But he remains humble. Still use him for renovation work last week. He still takes small N30k jobs from his low to middle income neighbourhood customers.

To keep everybody busy this afternoon while I have a three hour meeting, here's a thread about my personal journey with ADHD.

I got diagnosed in August 2019, at age 33.

I was struggling with my job, I could meet deadlines, but the amount of stress that went into meeting it was rediculous.
I had trouble planning, I couldn't maintain any overview and constantly forgot things or at least didn't do ALL the steps.

Coincidentally, my mother got her diagnose a year before that and I remembered looking up what it meant and recognising so many things!

I made an appointment with my GP, who first referred me to the 'pratijkondersteuner' (psychologist-light sort of).

They referred me to ADHD Centraal, a Dutch organisation that specializes in diagnosing and treating ADHD.

I started medication and a 12 week program of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

The first time I took my mediaction, I didn't know what was happening! The noice just went down! No more constant thoughts and impulses.

Like being in a very noisy room and suddenly everything gets quiet.

24 SELF DEVELOPMENT TIPS

1. Make friends with successful people and occasionally buy them gifts and surprise them with lunch because successful people always give and hardly get, so when you give them, they value the gift a lot.

2. Get a mentor and follow his instructions

and respect the relationship. Never beg your mentor for money or disrespect his or her privacy.

3. Make new positive friends as often as possible and ensure you keep the communication line open. Create a network of friends and not just connections.

5. Show kindness to everyone. Some small boys today will be big boys tomorrow. The biggest dog in the neighbourhood was once a puppy. Keep the information/secret to yourself.

6. Always plan ahead and be proactive. He that plans the future works less in the future.

7. Listen to speeches and messages from great teachers, both religious and educational.

8. Attend seminars and trainings on any area you need to improve yourself - Train the trainer, personal development, public speaking, sales etc.

9. Have the habit of keeping a pen and a writing pad handy because ideas come in the form of flashes. The smallest pen is bigger and better than the biggest brain.

10. Make sure at every point in time you are reading a book. If you spend 20 minutes reading daily,

Thread:
There is very real Evil afoot in this world and every single one of us with eyes to see and ears to hear know it. It attacks each of us, daily.
My most prescient point? I'll get to that in a moment.

I am an unapologetically fervent Q follower.
Here is why:

You wake up in a dark room. There is a door to your left, a door to your right, and a chest.

You found a wooden sword. You equip it. It smells moldy and low damagey.

You walk through the left door, and into a cavernous room with columns as wide as a large man.

There's also a large man, in a cloak. "Who goes there??" He asks

You say:

"It's just me, chill yo" you say and do a deuce sign with your hand.

"Oh shit I couldn't tell, it's so dark and cinematic in here" he replies. He offers up a chalice.

"I'm Tim, you must be the player character. Wanna drink some magic juice?" he asks.

You chug-a-lug the dragon jizz or whatever the fuck, leaving none for Tim.

"Damn boy you are thirsty lol" says Tim, laughing out loud. "Turn that cup over for a surprise"

You turn it over and notice the base has three buttons that let you choose the magic power you get.

IF I GET DEMENTIA...

1. If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.

If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things.

I’ll be much happier for it.

2. If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child.

Talk to me like the adult that I am.

3. If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed.

Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.

4. If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.

5. If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.

6. If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.

7. If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house.

Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.

8. If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.

I still have feelings though I may not even remember what you said after a few minutes of listening to it.

Don’t really need to see #MLK quotes today unless you are living and breathing the fight against anti-Black racism wherever you are. Good will on #MLKDay or any other day is grossly insufficient if you have a shallow understanding of the systems of racism at play. 1/9

In fact, as MLK said, this kind of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. So you must #dothework. Racism is embedded in every societal system. It is insidious and it takes time and effort to understand it and/or be critical of it 2/9

Black folks have to constantly do this work to fix a problem we didn’t create while we live in a system that is stacked against us so the least you can do is do that work as well. Doing that work is not simply soliciting feedback/perspectives or consulting with Black folks. 3/9

Doing the work is reading the work of #criticalrace scholars and mapping that on your social/professional location and then making systemic and ITERATIVE changes to the systems you are a part of. Simply reading “How to be an antiracist” is not enough. 4/9

Doing the work is not asking me who the critical race scholars are when you have google literally at your fingertips. There are no short cuts in anti-racism. What you dedicate your time to signals who you are. 5/9

@Will_Bunch OK, so 25 years ago I set off with 3 friends (one who I am now married to) to hike amongst the Dogon people of Eastern Mali. Little did I know that the research I made for that trip was to have this moment for me to shine. A thread:

5 Ways To Develop Discipline And Use It To Crush Your Goals.

Motivation will not make you successful.

Discipline will.

Look at the lives of truly successful people and you'll see this is true. (Thread)

Many people misunderstand what motivation means.

They think motivation is a 'positive feeling' that helps you do things.

When they feel this certain kind of way, they take action.

But when they don't feel this 'positive feeling' they resign.

That isn't motivation.

Motivation is a combination of two words:

Motive + Action.

Motivation is the motive behind the action.

It is the reason for the action.

The why!

For example, why do you want to start a business?

So you can have freedom, yeah?

That is the motivation.

It is that 'why' that should provide you the determination to take action.

But even with a strong 'why' many people still struggle with staying dedicated to their goals.

Why?

They lack discipline.

Today I'll share 5 ways you can develop godlike discipline to crush your goals.

Discipline from the the word 'disciple' means 'to train.'

When you decide to discipline yourself what you are saying is that you want to

'Train yourself to become a disciple to certain principles and ways of life.'

Here are the 5 ways to Get It Done:

#HOPEPORN+

RT != Endorsement

PRETEND THIS IS MAKE BELIEVE!!!

I ONLY LIE

Any more disclaimers??? It's a screen play, writers notes...

SO, I hear from a friend who heard from a friend... vvvvv see thread

Those of you who believe in free will. I have some questions for you.

1. When you suddenly wake up at 2am and can't stop thinking about work and can't go back to bed for hours and hours because your brain won't shut off. Would you say you have free will during that time?

2. When you really don't want to do something but you know you have to do it so you do it, would you consider that to be free will?
For instance suppose you're a parent and you've got a sick kid vomiting in their bed, all night. Then they wake you up at 6am hungry and needy.

3.Suppose there's something you know you should do but just aren't doing it. Like getting out of bed on time, or doing exercise, or cleaning the toilet. You know you should and you want to, but you just aren't. So if you want to but aren't doing it, where's the free will in that?

4. Pick a random number from 1-1000. Got one? Is picking something at random free will? You're trying really hard for it to be random, and so you blank out your mind and wait for the first number to pop in. How is what you picked free will? It's a complete throw of the dice...

5. When you do something consistently every day for over a decade, and you know you'll be doing it for another decade to come. Is it really free will when you decide to do it today?

🧵 Learnings from #Year2020

1. 🙋‍♀️ There are no bad questions, only bad answers. So ask away, be brave. Because if you never ask, you will never know. It's better to ask and be stupid for 5 minutes that stay quiet and be stupid forever.

2. ✏️ Being Simple Is Hard, but being simplistic is just..being Supandi. The trick is to be relevant. There is a time to channel your Wordsworth and there’s a time to be a #Spartan. I am still learning the economy of words.

3. 💪 You are hired for your strengths at the cost of your weaknesses. That job description that gives your jitters — is just an ideal scenario. Don’t work for filling those gaps. Rather cement your strengths to overshadow your not-so-great qualities :)

4. 🌸 In a world where you can choose to be anything, be also — kind. So help that new colleague get to know the team better, ask if someone drowning in work has had their lunch, bring some sweets back from your fancy trip to Europe. No one ever forgets how you make them feel.

5. 👩‍✈️ Good leaders ensure that you are never scared of feedback — good or bad. Any critical feedback that I receive is not feedback on me personally but on the work itself. We are all on the same side, we are all trying to solve the same problem.

A night I hope I never forget. ✨
[Thread]

I knew going into a class where a single Qirā’ah is completed will usually be quite emotional (let alone one where all 10 will be complete).

I mean I’ve watched countless Ijazah videos...

I pretend I’m a tough cookie sometimes, but really I know for sure that (if Allah swt gives me life) I’ll definitely break down during my last lesson.

So I knew these students were going to be emotional. And they were, two broke down, one didn’t. She (perhaps wisely) didn’t say much.

What caught me by surprise was I was also feeling emotional??

I’ll never forget all their names.

I’ll never forget the weird and wonderful circumstances in which I joined the class.

Yikes. I’ve had a bit of a shitty night. Woke up from a dream where I was sobbing - proper distressed, inconsolable body sobs - about work. I was living in a tiny cramped flat with my deceased family members, with no room. People from work were coming in and out & I felt >

> ashamed and I was trying to say that I used to live on my own in a bigger flat and not share a bedroom with my siblings & live with my Mum but I couldn’t. There was a new manager who came to see me and somehow bizarrely ended up in my bedroom waiting for me and it felt >

> intrusive & shaming because she saw my poor living conditions and I knew she would have been told by management that I was unstable/troublemaker/no good/rubbish. So then I cried and cried and cried and cried (to show how stable I was 🤣) and then I woke up 😳😳😳 >

> also random ppl I work with, coming in and out of my home, making snide remarks about no wanting to be there. All the time I felt embarrassed because it was small, cramped, dark, full of people. Ugh. Woke up mid cry and felt awful. That wasn’t quite it though... before that >

> I’d woken up just before 7am, wide awake, with vivid thoughts. The thought was of my (now deceased) brother. I remembered a time around my Mums funeral when I went to pick him up and he was slurring, all over the place, couldn’t stand up. So I took him to the Doctor. >