TRUMP: "I've decided to eat babies." PEOPLE: "He can't eat…

Jeff Flake tweets: "It is a sad day in America when this callous man can eat babies live on TV"

Jeff Flake, 10 seconds later, votes to help him install a series of 4,000 new judges that are very, very pro-babyphagia.

Judge Kavanaugh, found drunk in a Capitol Hill closet: "I LIKE BEER. OKAY? I LIKE BEER AND I LIKE BABIES AND THAT'S NOT SO WRONG. THAT'S RIGHT. I LIKE BABIES DIPPED IN BEER. I JUST DIP EM. IN THE BEER. THE BABIES. THE BABIES I EAT. OKAY? THAT'S AMERICA."

Mike Pence, wringing his hands about the baby-eating: "We must take care of our children. Our youngest must be protected on this troubling day."

Mike Pence then invites a Baby Chef to say a prayer.

Twitter Users: "It's a distraction technique! Trump eating babies is trying to DISTRACT YOU from ALL THE OTHER HORRORS, which are themselves distractions from the BABY-EATING. It's DISTRACTIONS ALL THE WAY DOWN."

Trump: *eats tons of babies at a rally*

*literal tons of babies*

Twitter user BABYGATEMAGA349857239847: "it's about ethics in baby eating"

Twitter user EATLIBERALBABIES98342U5293485823742: "eatin babbies to own the soy cuck npcs

Twitter user TRUMPTRAINDIAPERDAVE78452394638476923645982: "i am def real not robotski"

Jack at Twitter: "Recently it has come to our attention that Twitter has become a haven for troubling discourse regarding the preparation and gustatory ingesting of human babies, so we have decided to remove Animated GIFs to address this issue. We fixed it. America is fixed now."

Ivanka and the Kush: "We strongly condemn baby-eating."

Trump: *opens a chain of baby-eating restaurants, Ivanka runs it, each baby is branded with the presidential seal, each sale goes toward his 2028 reelection campaign*

every alt-right clowndick: "The Democrats are the ones eating the babies! False flag operation! The babies are liberals who are eating themselves! They're crisis actor babies!"

two days later, every GOP politician: "The Democrats are the ones eating the babies! False flag operation! The babies are liberals who are eating themselves! They're crisis actor babies! Also we're just handing bags of money and babies to the wealthiest 1% of Americans now."

CNN: "We have received troubling threats that our babies will be eaten. We will respond to this in the strongest of terms, which is by inviting four white Trump shills onto a panel hosted by human gymsock, Chuck Todd. Commence the healing."

some shithead pundit somefuckingwhere: "I wasn't going to vote for Trump or the GOP, but the Democrats' incivility over disagreeing with all this baby-eating has convinced me to vote for them. Tut-tut, I say. TUT. TUT."

NYT Opinion: "Baby-Eating Has Become Too Polarized"

Chuck Schumer: "I've cut a deal where I give Trump 17 more pro-babyphagia judges, and also, I've gifted the president with a Harry & David gift basket of babies."

Press: "What did you get in return?"

Schumer: "I was supposed to get something in return?"

Sarah Sanders, after months of pressure: "The White House condemns in the strongest of terms the act of baby-eating."

Trump, at a rally that night: "Folks, folks, I still eat babies, I ate a baby right before I came out here. I eat them like pizza, with a fork and knife."

Holographic advertisement poster projected on the exterior wall of one of the Smithfield Baby Farms, 2024:

BABIES: THE OTHER OTHER WHITE MEAT

Boston Dynamics robots boogie to Uptown Funk as they hunt wild babies on behalf of wealthy Baby Hunters on safari in the ruined wasteland of America, 2034.

A newspaper blows in front of them, NYT:

BABY-EATING: IT COULDN'T HAPPEN HERE

It blows away, on the dust, and is gone.