Can’t relate to ppl my age because they’re in chill mode, having sewn their wild oats while I am trying to figure out who the fuck I am.
In the middle of a pandemic where my social life was abruptly cut off and everything I was experiencing stopped and is now gone.
For example, having come out in late jan...meeting new people...learning about my sexuality. My sexuality was stifled due to being brought up with religion. Learning what my kinks were, without sex! Meeting like minded people...
In less than a month it was gone.
I feel like I’m not even me. I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.
Questioning what the hell I am doing with my life.
Frustrated. Lonely. Unsure of a lot.
And now I am wanting to completely gut GlitteryFab on every social media platform despite a fast growing base, why???? Because I’m tired of people just focusing on my aesthetics. My facial beauty. Or because I’m “thicc”. And also because it just seems rather shallow.
I want more than this. I’m not some shallow makeup obsessed airhead. I’m a 42 year old who feels like she’s been stuck at 24 for years because she spent those years raising a child.
But what?? I don’t know. I have no direction.
I’m still in the middle of my medical auditing course which I have put on hold til further notice because my brain cannot handle it at the moment.
I work FT, and from after my birthday all the way til just as soon as last week, my attitude has been shut.
My CWers even noticed it and people expressed their concern for me. It is appreciated but I needed to know that they were really that concerned because I didn’t realize just how bad it had gotten
I have been drinking alcohol and consuming cannabis on the regular since my bday. I have tried my hardest to push all this pain to the side and suck it up and go on for my son, for my father. But the thoughts are and have always been there.
Usually with continued medical care and therapy eventually it gets better, but we are in the middle of a pandemic where everyone is isolated. So no, right now I feel like I’m fighting a demon and the demon (depression) is winning.
My doctor recommended either ketamine therapy (which is not covered by insurance), or go the old school route of a form of electroshock therapy (TMS). The latter is a last resort thing. But my meds aren’t working for them, and my doc knows we can’t keep changing it
It took me a long time to find a suitable psychiatrist who wasn’t going to push meds down my throat, and would introduce as needed, etc.
But we are stalemated. And half of me just doesn’t care anymore. Hence, the suicidal thoughts.
I feel like there are two sides of me:
Side 1: The tired one who is sick of people relying on her, or the fact that she has to go on despite the pain that will never heal...because she will destroy lives if she succeeds in her attempt to end her life...
Side 2: fighting like hell. Knowing her people need her. Knowing she has been through and has overcome a lot.
Side 1 is stronger than 2 , and every day this isolation shit seeps in my mind, side 1 grows stronger as side 2 is caving.
Something that is a very real possibility is that I will never see my family again. Physically. My parents are in their 60’s but my mom is very sick.
This realization is just eating at me.
My son doesn’t need me anymore. We barely talk. I’m left to my own devices. There is no one here physically. So...to say I am lonely is a major understatement.
I’m used to being busy with volunteering with his drum corps, keeping myself busy with that...nothing.
Everything is gone.
All facets of life we had prior to March are now gone. Almost 300k people are GONE. My uncle being one of them.
What the fuck. This life is so fucked up.
I’m tired and I don’t want to keep going on with this, but side 2 is trying to push through.
