Amsterdam kitchens are tiny, partly because most Dutch food is made on the floor, using an axe, a cudgel and a spade, which is used to scoop the meal into the pan. The work surfaces are just big enough for two drinks, a bowl of peanuts and the New Testament.

Even outside their tiny kitchens, the Dutch are very fond of using tiny cooking utensils. Possibly because it makes them feel like giants, sitting down to a feast. This custom is — wholly inaptly, because the taste is foul — referred to as "gourmetten".

The Dutch invented "kale" because nothing else would grow in our godforsaken polders. But we don't call it "kale", we call it "kool", which is kooler than cool. We mix it with mashed potatoes, otherwise it tastes like plant-shaped fart, and we eat it with sausage made of skaters.

If you would like to know more about other Great Dutch Culinary Traditions, feel free to throw suggestions at me below.

Dutch people love eating chocolate sprinkles and flakes on buttered bread. This tradition arose as a practical solution for our butter and milk surplus, which was accompanied by a shitload of cow dung. Mix all these ingredients with a little cocoa and you get "choco-vlokken".