Because I’ve seen a child choke on a hot dog or grape that wasn’t cut lengthwise.
Lots of folks say “you must be brave” when they find out I work in the ER.
It’s true that I don’t (usually) get upset at the sight of blood. But there are plenty of things that scare me.
A non-exhaustive list of things this emergency physician is afraid of:
Because one time I saw a kiddo lose their eye after an innocent game with a sibling.
Because I’ve held a mom as she crumpled in my arms and screamed when I told her we have tried everything to no avail.
Because I’ve had to tell a parent I couldn’t reverse what happened in the blink of an eye to the beautiful child with the sun-kissed still-damp curls.
Because I’ve seen way too many bodies, families and communities torn apart in milliseconds.
Because I’ve seen patients stay at home while their heart muscle is died and they developed disabling heart failure because they are worried their insurance will say it “wasn’t an emergency” and deny their claims.
Because I’ve seen patients suffer and die because they cannot access lifesaving treatment.
Because I’ve held the hand of a spouse and parent talking on the phone to their young child and holding it together so they can figure out how to tell them they only have one parent now.
Because I’ve struggled to treat the pain and suffering of patients and their families who bravely support their loved one, knowing they are losing them too soon and powerless to change the course.
Because I’ve cared for patients who have died OF COVID. Because I’ve cared for patients whose spouses died OF COVID. Because I don’t want to be the link in the transmission chain that leads to someone else’s death. Because I don’t want to risk leaving my kids orphaned.
Some are big risks. Some are small.
Some are common and cause temporary pain and suffering.
Some are small risks but disastrous with permanent damage.
We cut the hot dogs (lengthwise!).
We wear helmets and seatbelts.
We get flu shots.
We have a system at the pool.
We have a no slamming doors rule.
We are afraid.
Because we have witnessed what it can do if you or your loved ones get severe COVID. We know that money, power and fame can’t purchase a cure.
